I grew up on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.  I couldn’t stop talking even then.

My semi-functional family created the perfect backdrop for the development of a career in comedy.

My father was a hypochondriac and my brother was a schizophrenic.  My mom was so suppressed she could hold her breath for four hours without turning blue.  Dad was so worried about his health he swore he had a cyst on his ovary.  So I told him that he had ovaries removed!

My brother Larry hears voices.  Fortunately, they don’t tell him what to do – they just make suggestions, “Why don’t you take a sweater?  Try the fish.   Call Stephanie nine times a day and ask the same questions over and over again until I’m  ready to jump out a window.” Oops.  That last one was my voices.

After graduating from Midwood High School, I moved upstate to Oneonta, New York where I got my  B.A. in Psychology at SUNY.  Then, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I moved back into my parents apartment to attend Brooklyn College for an M.A. in Education and School Psychology.

For twelve long years I was the psychologist at New Utrecht High School in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. This was the actual “sweat-hog” school from Welcome Back Kotter.  Remember Vinny Barbarino, Arnold Horseshack and Freddie “Boom-Boom” Washington?   My students were about as articulate as they were. In the hallways you’d hear things like, “What the f-ck you lookin’ at?”  “I’m gonna kick your ass.”  “Your mutha’s a ho!”  I realize now that I shouldn’t have spoken to the kids like that.

My husband Greg and I met at the bar of a New York restaurant while I was on another date.  My date was so drunk he ended up spending most of the time in the bathroom.  I told Greg that I liked him better.  We exchanged phone numbers and were engaged three months later.  It was so romantic when he offered me his mother’s engagement ring.  (He would spend hours trying to pry it off.)   The next two years we broke up so many times that my ring finger had rug burns.  Eventually, we were married on June 16, 1996 in Greenwich, Connecticut.

After driving Greg crazy with years of irreverent behavior, inappropriate language and annoying outbursts, he forced me to take a stand-up comedy class so that, as he would say, “You better put that crap to good use!”  The class required me to perform on stage at The Comic Strip in New York.  This made me want to vomit because I was so nervous but I did it anyway.  Soon after, I was fortunate to win New York’s Funniest Teacher contest.  By then I was hooked on making strangers laugh in the dark.  Breakout Performer of the Year at the Aspen Comedy Festival was next and I was thrilled when they aired that performance on HBO’s Comedy Minutes. I won on CBS’s Star Search but didn’t take home the $100,000 prize!  Greg still bursts into tears periodically over that one.

I did take first prize at New York’s Funniest Female Competition at Madison Square Garden.   The New York Times was there and published a neat article about me and because of that I was commissioned to write for Child Magazine and Parents Magazine.  I recently appeared on Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. You can catch the reruns at 2AM in many cities.  Keep sending those checks, Byron.  I also got a chance to appear on Country Music Television’s Funniest Videos.  Why they wanted a Jew from Brooklyn, I have no idea.

Now I spend most of my time taking care of our three kids.  Then I leave them with Greg so I can perform stand-up comedy in clubs and casinos around the country. 

I also work with two other mom comics in a show we call Mom’s Night Out!  Audiences love us!  Especially the women.

Now I’m tired.  While I’m napping, I hope you’ll check out our radio show, which I love co-hosting with Greg.  Oh…and if you haven’t already done so, sign our email list and I’ll send you my colorfully illustrated article from Parents Magazine:  LIFE AFTER KIDS.  (Autographed and framed for your enjoyment.)  And supposedly you’ll be eligible to win valuable prizes!  Thanks!

I was born at Flower of Fifth Avenue Hospital on 105th Street in Manhattan. (That’s where I got my feminine side.)  See, that’s me in my first “Village People” outfit.

My parents are holocaust survivors.  (That’s where I got my sense of humor.)  When I was little, I asked my mom why she had a number on her arm.  She told me that she tattooed our phone number there so she wouldn’t forget it.

I lived in Yonkers, New York with my parents and my sister Tina.  We were surrounded by many non-Jewish families.  Although most of the kids befriended me, by the age of eleven, some started beating me up.  A common phrase in my neighborhood was, “Hey Blum ya Jew bastard! You better start running!”

To avoid the pain of Hitler and my schoolmates, I started playing hooky, drinking, doing drugs and risking my life on a daily basis.  That was fun.

Eventually, I lifted myself up by the boot straps (suffering a painful wedgie) and majored in Film at New School University.  I did a minor in Television Studies and Television Production.  I was there for about seven or eight years because I needed the additional time to obsess in therapy.

Since I was only taking one class per semester, I had time to hold down three jobs.  I was a production assistant in the motion picture industry, where I heard, “I didn’t order TURKEY, Greg.”  “You don’t coil cables like THAT, Greg!”  “Remove that staple and staple the script ON AN ANGLE, Greg!”  Simultaneously, I was selling HBO at Time-Warner Cable, “Hello Mrs. Squadron?  Would you be interested in…” CLICK.)  Additionally, I was recruited by The New York Times (to deliver newspapers ON MY BICYCLE)!

My big break came when I was asked to run a local television station in Mamaroneck, New York.  My talents were finally realized!   After two years of teaching kids how not to break video equipment, directing seventy hours of “Meet the Mayor” and hosting, “Say Hello to the Daughters of the American Revolution,” I left to form my own video production company that I recently dumped after fifteen years of “helping” everyone else but myself.

Since my mother’s maiden name is Stern, I checked into my genealogy and learned that I may actually be related to Howard Stern.  Last summer while visiting New York, I attempted to get in to see him and was tossed to the curb.  The lawsuit is still pending so don’t ask me about it.

I met my wife Stephanie at El Rio Grande Bar on 38th and Third in Manhattan.  I asked her if she was alone and she said yes, so I sat next to her.  Soon she told me she was on a date and that he was in the bathroom!  After a sweet and funny few minutes, I went to the other side of the place to meet some friends.  I mustered some courage and went to find Stephanie and ask for her number.  Serendipitously, we magically met while crossing through the kitchen to find each other.  She had her number already written out for me on a napkin!  I proposed on Hanukkah 1994 during breakfast at the Russian Tea Room over twenty-five dollar Eggs Benedict.  I gave her my mother’s engagement ring.  (Unfortunately, my mom’s finger was still attached to it.)

We married in ’96 and were blessed with a son, Noah Jacob who was born in Brooklyn in 1999.  Alanna Miri was born in the San Fernando Valley in 2005 as was Maya Rachel in 2009.  That’s her little head and legs in the carriage.

Somewhere along the way, I accidentally became a landlord and started flipping houses. Since that’s not going so well right now, this August I’m going to Europe where I’ll be selling T-shirts of my own design at the gates of the former concentration camps.  Here are some of my concepts:  “I SURVIVED AUSCHWITZ – SUMMER 2010”  And, “BOY IS IT HOT IN THERE, I NEED A SHOWER – OOPS!”   And what I believe may be my most popular design, “I GOT GAS AT THE AUSCHWITZ DINER.”  This is how I use humor to cope with the legacy that I inherited.

Currently, I am proud to co-host The Stephanie and Greg Show with my lovely bride.  We hope to share our sense of humor with you so that maybe it will help you cope with whatever adversities you’ve been handed.  We hope you enjoy listening!