Originally published in Parents Magazine

When I was pregnant with my first child, my friends with kids warned me, “Your life is never going to be the same!”  But it wasn’t until after Noah was born that I fully understood what those words meant. 

Here’s how things really change when you become a mom:

Before Kids	After Kids
You can sleep as late as you want.	You can’t even sleep through the night.
You visit the doctor for an occasional check-up.	You rush to the doctor whenever your baby isn’t blinking often enough.
You’re thrilled to have a rainy day to relax, watch a movie and doze on the couch.	You dread rainy days because if you’re forced to watch Barney’s Birthday Surprise one more time, you’ll open fire.
You spend time engaged in intellectually stimulating conversations with colleagues.	You spend time trying to get your kid to stop picking his nose in public.
You slip lipstick and a credit card into your Prada handbag on your way out to the mall.	You stuff diapers, sippy cups, crayons, Band-Aids and a bottle of Valium into a diaper bag on your way out to the playground.
The kitchen floor is so clean you can eat off it.	You can eat off the kitchen floor because there’s food all over it.
You and your husband consistently enjoy hot sex.	You and your husband occasionally enjoy a hot meal.
You coordinate the perfect outfit for a night out dancing.	You grab something from the laundry basket and hope that no one at the puppet show will notice the breast-milk stain.
You enjoy long, hot showers while you  shave your legs and smooth on some kiwi scented body gel.	You’re lucky if you can throw on some deodorant and call it a day.
You get overly excited when you find the perfect pair of Manolo Blahniks.	You get overly excited when you find the last Sponge Bob backpack.
You dine on low-carb lunches at trendy restaurants.	You wolf down someone else’s pizza at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
You’re satisfied when you finish a great book.	You can’t remember how to finish a simple thought.

But when all is said and done, your idea of bliss is tucking the little love of your life into bed each night.